Accept

It's been a month since I wrote down here. Well.. these week had been difficult. Thanks god,that I'm feeling ok now.

June 29. We saw each other. (I'm not in the mood to take all the details what happened that day). He kissed me, then.. I just stood there like a frozen mermaid. WTH. I should slap him or push him.. but I didn't. How dare me. DAMN (Denise is so irritating, bitch). I hated myself because of that. Am I that weak? Longing for his kiss. Oh,shit. That day.. my mother got angry when she discovered about my 'secret date'. I hang up my cellphone.. I held his hand FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME OF MY LIFE (I've never done that before to any guy).. I held his hand while I was thinking what should I do.. I was planning to say YES to him, in front of my mother. But, after he took away his hand... I felt my heart slighty crushing down. It was so different. HE IS SO DIFFERENT like what he used to be before. And I understand why, but there's a thing that I really can't.. Why did he kiss me so easily? I was so confused, I managed myself to keep calm. I wanted him to come to my house with me, but he refused.

Friday. I went to my friend's house to talk about what that man said to her about me.. about HOW IRRITATING I AM TO HIM. (not exactly, it's called: exaggerating) And he tell the MISTAKES I made to him. And so on....
Ok, enough. I don't want to continue this. Straight to the point. I therefore conclude that.. I'm not good for him. HE HATES CHILDISH WOMAN LIKE ME. And I don't like that he hates me.. even though he was saying "I still love you". Your ass!
 Why some people have that easy tongue that throwing up and saying loud 'ily' even they really didn't mean it? You know.. You can feel it, If that person really loves you.

I think, he..has changed. He doesn't want to be included anymore.
I accept. I accept everything, everything that happened between us. Accept my faults. Accept his faults (coz  He makes me feel like I'm always wrong, and that is wrong). And accept that, we will never be 'US'.
-
Right now, I'm contented that I and my mom are okay. I disappointed my parents for being a bitchy clingy liar. And I was feeling down and sorry. They still accepted me. I was wrong... I was wrong for having that mind..who wants them to understand me. Well, of coarse, I want some 'teenage life'..some called,'freedom' And I've never thought that they just want me to be 'good'. In a good situation. They want me to avoid danger. They're just afraid of something that they can't understand. And they're right... My mom is right. "there's a lot of guy who you will meet in the future, and I'm telling you... he's not the right guy".(coz If he is... he won't leave).
Maybe, they're not always RIGHT but.. they're just protecting you. (I'm trying to understand and I will in the upcoming problem events but hoping that... they will understand me too)
I appreciate my mom. I REALLY LOVE HER. We had fights often... yet..

-
Lessons learned.
Love is patience and kind BUT YOUR GOAL NOW ISN'T HAVING A BF..It's...
to study hard and  get the diploma and  GO WORK ABROAD. BE A SUCCESSFUL 'girl'.
Always find the ways to be better.

Finally!

Finally, school ends. But then..I still have to study and learn Italian language.
YESTERDAY.
It was Saturday. I met Krusty. After 3457434564 years,I decided to talk to him. I've never thought that we'll talk like that much. Uhmm.. While I was talking to him,I felt 'normal'..quite awkward. Just like, we used to be. After we had lunch, we went somewhere, we decided to watch a movie, but.. theater was closed. Then we had an ice cream.. We were sitting there, and.. there was kinda 'silence' between us,but somehow..we managed to break it. And we played billiard and darts and that was cool. My brain wasn't functioning about 'what if's' that time. I enjoyed it.
I really like the fact that we've never digged out our past.
NOW.
I'm thinking the 'what if's' again. -_- Ugh. Coz we..are exchanging messages again, like we used to. Are we starting up AGAIN? But, I don't want to think so. And there's a strange feeling.. that I felt when he told me that he is pissed about the rumors spreading that he's courting my friend. What was that? Why did he tell me? Actually, I knew it. I don't know if  it's true. I don't want to care.
And tonight... we're still chatting. And I'm wondering...what will happen next. I think, for now... I shouldn't be bother about it because maybe,I'm putting something in a wrong place. But, I really can't help it. I must be more careful from now. I must considerate others too. JUST DO,WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT. And not what others think is right. THINK. OBSERVE. And be what you really are.

KEEP YOUR MIND IN THE PRESENT.

To become WHAT?

I'm here in a Caffè at this moment. My cup is empty. And I'm trying to compose a new blog.
So what's up? I just skipped my class today. I'm not in the mood to attend, and I'm so lazy about it.
My head burned out so much yesterday. I really hate Math. Coz, I don't let myself to like it when I was a child. That's why, maybe.

Days passed, and I'm still studying myself. Knowing myself. And I realized that... I really don't let myself to understand those things. Those realities. So I became such a horrible mess. (ok, I'm digging the past again) I want to accept myself again. Like how I love myself before..

I've done a BIG MISTAKES. And I'm still trying to accept those. Until now..
But wait, I've just said that 'I want to accept myself again'.. So what's with this shit?
-
I'm planning to talk to Krusty someday, but.. I want it to happen by accident. 'Accident'? I want to act like it isn't on purpose. But I want to talk to him while having a clear mind. I want to be ready to talk If ever that 'accident' is going to happen.

So for now, I want to think clearly. I don't want us to be so called 'stranger'. I really don't like that. It hurts me so much, honestly. But, I'm the one who build the wall between us. Coz, I'm afraid to hurt him again..that's why I ended up not talking to him. So maybe he taught that, he's just nothing for me. And that's why I called myself a STUPID DUMBASS.

I'm going to be an observant type of person from now on. I won't let my head fly somewhere again. I wanna be a fast thinker when the arguments come. I will give some exercise to my weak acuity to give that strength. I realized that... I became a 'DON'T CARE' type of person? It's just like, I don't actually care about my surroundings, but I'm easily affected by their words against me. And that's a selfish thing.

Will I be able to accomplish these things? Will I become a better person? I want to change myself for good. I want to acknowledge people around me also. Not only to myself. And I want to be ready ALWAYS if 'something' will happen. I won't let it just go in the flow. To balance things aren't that hard, are they?
Beacuse, this is LIFE.

Problems come easily,y'know.. that's the way of nature. But,the REAL one is how you can handle those. How to survive a cruel and a beautiful world.

But one more thing.. you must love yourself, so you will have a gut to love someone.
And you must be true to yourself.

Have a nice day!

Family, Friends and BF?

SIGH.
   I feel so uncomfortable, irritated and confused about being 'unbalance'.
I went to my friend's house just to relax my mind. I'm so stressed out in school. :( I need my friends to change my 'stress atmosphere'. Yes, it was changed. I laughed out loud. We joke around. Laughed. Laughed and laughed. It relieves my 'stress'.
But then, I forgot one thing.... my brothers. I didn't check my phone on time to make sure that my father will pick them up. And fortunately, my father did. Such a relief but... with short heart attack when my father called me. I know, it was my fault. WHAT IF,he didn't came to pick up my brothers? I just realized that. So thank god, it didn't happen.

I'm wrong. I should understand my family, I'm the oldest.. My brothers are also my obligation to take care of as a BIG sister. But sometimes, I need a break. I don't know... I'm just.. confused. I want to spare my time with my friends also, y'know? I want to breathe some new fresh air outside coz I'm stuck here.. In front of computer, kitchen, bed, sofa... HERE. But I didn't say that I'm ALWAYS stuck HERE inside.. of course I'm hanging out with my friend SOMETIMES, and that 'sometimes' are always a BIG DEAL. What I mean is, when I went out, QUESTIONS and ARGUMENTS are always there next. SIGH.. Am I being selfish again? I love my family, and.. I just want to be with my friends.

Speaking of having a boyfriend? Will I be able to balance myself among them?
-
 Ok,While I was walking home from my friend's house,I saw Krusty (so random) AND I'M REALLY 100%SURE. ( I wonder If he saw me..) We're closed enough. So what's up? I'm wrong about what I thought last time. I'm so stupid. Krusty and my friend just crossed each other last sunday on the streets. And... oh,shit. Why did I feel something ' :) ' after I concluded? Uhm.. honestly, yes. I was glad after I heard about that. F*cking WHY?!

 My friend..that girl is really a good friend,I'm so STUPID about thinking about------. Then,she left some words to me, before I left them earlier.. And it bothers me.. A LOT until now.
    "He said that, you just pitied him.."

O-my. So he talked about it to her? Why did he....  And there you go again,Denise: overthinking time.
JUST STOP IT NOW.

Goodnight Goodnight!

Jealousy

Yesterday I saw some post on fb. And because of that 'some post'.. I felt WEIRD.

JEALOUSY: is the feeling of anger or bitterness which someone has when they think that another person is trying to take a lover or a friend,or a possession, away from them.

I'm trying to set aside my emotions until now. Why should I care about them? About them who got outside last night together. Why am I feeling this kind of asdfghjk? Why I got angry last night? WHY?!
Well, maybe I'm just selfish. Why am I being like this? Honestly, I.. (I'm currently texting my friend.. and I think, my jealousy disappeared suddenly. ) She's a good friend of mine. How come did I think about being jealous of her. The one who went outside last night with Krusty.

Yes, I'm just being selfish. JEALOUS? What the hell am I thinking? I was jealous? Wow. So now, I know the feeling of being 'ignored' by someone. Worries, Overthinking, Jealous, .. I'm paying all of these now to that person who used to suffer like these before, because of me.

Maybe, I should let it go. C'mon Denise.. you're such a JERK. How dare you to feel this? This is all your fault. And please.. stop it. YOU-ARE-BEING-SO-SELFISH. And that's not what you call 'jealousy'. JEALOUSY your ass. As If you can bring him back. YOU CAN'T.

He's a good man also, consider his feeling. Not only yours. :)
Ok,enough.

Today, I already made a 'whisper shout' a million times because of that 'J'. So crazy bitch I am.
Ok, so.. for tonight, this will be my last 'whisper shout'.. "YAAAAH!!"


YOU NEED TO REVIEW NOW! You have an oral test tomorrow morning.
Ciao! :)

The 'Helmet' Thing

Last Wednesday  was my Showt's birthday (my friend). I thought that it might be an ordinary celebration or what. I didn't expect 'something' weird will happen. We sang, laughed..we also made funny videos, and we ACTED like were from school. Well, it's been a long LOOONG time since I did it again. Skipping classes. Of course, still feel guilty about it. But, please.. just for that day (but also for today).

We also brought some drinks.. cold special drinks like GIN. Yikes! It was my first time to try it. I really don't like the taste of it. But for the sake of our dear birthday girl, I shouldn't be KJ.

Then, as the time passed by.. Oh,ass. I felt my head turning around. I thought that I can handle it..BUT.. Hahahahahah! WTF. That made me vomit. THIS WAS THE VERY FIRST. I felt sorry to all my girlfriends that we didn't enjoy our time more! It was like...they took care of me for almost  half of our time. How I wish I could endure the pain. Was that hurt? hahaha! The pain of vomiting.

Well, this became our problem ' How I will be able to go home?' I know that they can't..it's too far! And hello? I'm 19! I musn't be reliable. And how about them? They also need to go home early! Honestly, my head was hurting while we're walking home, I was trying my very own best to endure it. I thought that 'Knight' won't come and save me. I was hopeless,emotionless that time. 'Knight'? Hahahah! What was that? Knight in Shining Armour? "That's the stuff fairy tales are made of."

After a while, I felt my heart beat raced when Krusty was on the phone speaking to my Oh,dear Friend. REALLY?!!! Krusty will come to pick me? aaww :'') Wait, WHAT THE HECK AM I 'aaaaww'-ing? So I was thinking about that 'KNIGHT'? GROW UP DENISE! I hadn't really considered this aspect of  knighthood before. But I went to the flow of my girlfriends jokes about it. I also felt something that... ARGH.. you know? something like DOKI DOKI.

He came. Oh,sheet.What the. Why did I feel so AWKWARD LVL99999. I was allowing my (MY??!) Knight to resque me....ENOUGH! I'm just joking. I'm so assuming about it.

Time passed too fast.. I was completely blank. And just realized that I'm at his back. I was bowing my head to his shoulder since his motor started to run, until we reached my house. It was raining also..

I am really really thankful for that. But of course, that was still AWKWARD. (or maybe I'm just the only one standing on the same ground?) I'm the one who still can't walk out into our past. I'm so naive.

Well.. I was thinking again and again about what happened for 9 days. Yes,until now. I'm such a dork.  Then, last night.. my friend talked about him. About those things that I don't want to bring up. (But I brought it up) I'm just... confused. Confused about everything.. about relationships.

But for now, I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY STUDIES!

Laters Baby! :)

19

5 days ago..
It was my 19th birthday. I was happy. I celebrated my birthday with my family,friends..and Krusty? Yeah, we haven't seen each other for a long time.I acted strange that time. I couldn't talk or even say HI. And he did the same. Well..that's us. Maybe,It takes time to..feel comfortable again. (actually, I'm still blaming myself). OK ENOUGH. :)

Those days that passed were incredible. I didn't wrote for awhile coz I've been putting too much pressure on myself. I cried. I laughed. Sometimes..I feel 'WHAT?' about myself. I just.. argh.
But then, I realized that.. maybe I'm still knowing myself.

Sometimes..I think that .. "how will I be able to know myself, If I'm always at home? How can I learn different lessons in life?". Then..why can't I choose contentment? I wanted to be.. but I can't.
So today onwards.. I'm 19. Should I drink beers? Should I go to disco? Should I put make up on my face? Should I...become a proper TEENAGER? But wait.. I think, I'm just rushing myself to experience something like those teenagers in movies. (laughs) I dunno.
Maybe.. this year onwards. I will try to get better. I wanna understand my life and to explore new things that others will able to be with me to have fun, not to destroy.

I miss that person who became a biggest part of me last year. But now, I can't tell him that. This year.. I hope that we'll become better.

"We all want to see things get better. But where you are right this minute doesn't have to disturb you. You can choose to believe that God is working and things are changing, and you will see the result of it in due time.
Life is all about the CHOICES we make, so choose contenment and satisfaction every single day of your life."

After I read these.. I want to feel contented. I know,I made a lot of mistakes before..and I might make another again someday..but I want to TRY to be better. I'm going to try.

Ordinary Day

HEYY! :) Awful!! -_-
Whatta day. Uhm.. So sleepy. But wait, awhile ago, I'm so pissed about what my mother said to me. Coz,I went outside and came home LATE? Ok, I can understand why..I just felt UGH.
Anyway, I was walking home when I saw Mr. Krabs. But I'm not sure. I just saw him riding his motor, and he was wearing his helmet? It seems familiar..and he was staring at me from a far when the traffic light turned red. I was looking at his shoes, pants and jacket, but not his face. Ok, maybe I was in 'oh,delusion' state that time.
So that's it. Today, I met my friends, My mom scolded me, and I saw Mr.Krab (unsure).
I felt... nothing today. -_- I'm lack of energy,I think.
So boring.

Hope that tomorrow won't be the same.

Move On

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

Ok, Move on. (laughs) If I talk about love. Yikes, it sucks... I'm in the mid of negotiating with my mind and heart. TF? But, in the very first place.. I'm writing it because of that.
Today was...uhm  let's call it 'ordinary', or maybe a 'habit'? Nothing special, but something damn weird aches I've just felt.
Moving on is simply as it said. Yeah...  I'm dwelling on my past. I'm trying to think positive... EVERYDAY, but..can't escape with those memories.. those days, those.....

Speaking of moving on.. I think, it really takes a lot of time to accept it 100%. And that's it, no more arguments for this time, just go with flow. To tell myself the truth, I'm quite jealous..on what I've just heard earlier.
But, I'm being too stone. I felt the pain, so I tried to put anesthesia on me. It workssss. It really fucking works.
Hoping that it will work again.
Goodnight!